Hey everyone! I know that it's been a while, and that I've been slacking a lot due to my life stresses and my overall troubles with my on and off schedule. I have yet to find a reasonable blogging application for my phone that's meant for blogger. There's a lot of bugs and a lot of problems that I'm trying to stumble through the hoops of...but hopefully things get easier and I can maneuver my way around without a problem at some point. I'm probably going to try and figure out how to get my hands on another laptop that I can use outside of the house, a smaller one like a netbook or something of that sort. I'm in need of something like that for my classes anyway, and it's been difficult trying to get through. I'm going to keep fighting through, and I'm going to do the best that I can.
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| (A gift from my friend Dylan; a stress relief ball that is heavily needed for me to manage my emotions on a daily basis.) |
Sooo...
Moving on, I've been conflicted to post about this mask due to its meaning and the emotions that accompanied it when I was making and reliving my past from very different perspectives. In the end, I decided that I wasn't going to post about this anywhere on social media and that I would just keep it to myself. I would keep it to myself, and allow those in my costuming class to know and feel everything that I did while making this because in my heart, my safe zone is with these people...and that brings me immense joy...but it's becoming a need for me to describe and post about this now as I'm taking the needed steps to accept and embrace myself as a whole. I'm no longer going to hide aspects of me in fear that people won't want to hear it, or that I'm being depicted as weak and troubled and the like due to the pride that I was raised with.
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| Concept board w/ paint swatches for color scheme |
Inspired by the Japanese sub-fashion Menhera/yumekawaii , inspired by the Japanese slang "menhera" (which means "mental health"), I had decided to embrace the side of me that has been struggling to get by everyday. I have always had this overbearing sense of sadness and I've always felt troubled growing up, and I was never sure of why. I have so many feelings of anxiety and my fear has started to engrave its presence in my soul. I have so many memories and distraught feelings from trauma that has started to haunt me in my daily life and in my dreams. Everyday of my life, more recently, has started to become a fight.
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| Concept board w/ photo references of typical menhera-kei inspired themes |
So I had decided to embrace and use this mask as an opportunity to explain and analyze myself to my deepest core. I needed to do this for myself, and for all of the people who love and care about me. I needed a visualization to explain to everyone about the thoughts, emotions, feelings, and about the memories that have followed and haunted me continuously. But I want them to know that it's still me, and even though my feelings and my troubles are negative, it's still ... me. A mask that visualizes a delicately fragile, cute loving person who fights everyday of her life for safety and security in some way, shape, or form. I've always found happiness through expressing myself in different styles of fashion, wearables, and art...and this slowly became something that I could finally put my hands on and just go for it. Also...pastel colors are my favorite thing and I will stand by them.
So there's a lot to say about this mask, and it makes sense given the meaning behind it. This mask depicts how I feel inside and I chose to use this opportunity to do so as many people see mental illnesses and trauma as a problem that changes people for the worst...but it's not that way. Although this mask depicts the troubles and the problems that I feel inside my heart and soul...along with the extensive feelings of fear and worry in my mind, at the end of the day when I take the mask off, I'm still here. I'm still me, and nothing has changed. I'm just fighting and I'm just becoming more vocal about my problems because I am in desperate need for help and assistance...and that hiding behind my other mask (a prideful face that pretends like life is okay and that nothing in the world troubles or bothers me) is this side of me. It's a part of me. All of these versions of me...and all of these faces/masks of mine are still me.
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So, getting onto the actual mask, it's made out of thermoplastic. I had used wonderflex to create the form of the mask after I had heated it overtop of my plaster face mold. The mask was then cut in half...for some unknown reason. A lot of what I was doing was spontaneous and I allowed my emotions to take control of me as I knew that my subconscious always knows that it's doing and has a meaning for what it does. Later, I had used colored twine to create a stitched up look. In a way, depicting how I'm always feeling broken inside. I feel as if there's some sort of trouble in my heart, and it would become overbearing in a sense. No matter how many times I try to fix myself, I still feel a little broken inside.
Underneath all of the business, is my "map" of my daily troubles and emotions. I had painted several parts of the mask using 3D fabric paint, a diluted fabric paint, and acrylic paint. I had then outlined all of the colors using a thin, broken line. After understanding what I had done, I had decided to then label all of the different aspects of my emotions and troubles. Written for each color is Fear, Depression, Anxiety, Pain (Trauma), and Anger.
Fear was painted in a diluted fabric paint (pastel green). I had chosen this diluted paint to achieve a ghastly effect over top of the white base color of the mask as it depicted my experience with the emotion very well. Although it's not prominent, there's fear.
Depression (blue) and Anxiety (lavendar) were painted in acrylic paint. The paint wasn't diluted or layered to create a dimensional design as it was meant to showcase how these two feelings are always there.
Pain (Trauma) and Anger were painted in 3D fabric paint that glowed in the dark. I had picked the 3D fabric paint as it is physically elevated above all of the other colors, and also glowed in the dark...showcasing how these moments in my life have grown to affect me incredibly.
Pain (Trauma), painted in the light pastel blue color, depicts how my pain from my trauma haunts and bothers me to the core everyday. I find myself often thinking and remembering moments of my life and words that have been used against me that had created these traumatic experiences. Accompanying this color is a fun little thing that I added around the eye, supporting my feelings towards my pain (trauma).
Anger, painted in hot pink, depicts how strongly I feel on a daily basis. I always feel angry and frustrated as it is a normal part of being depressed. From what I'm learning through cognitive behavioral therapy, there is a lot of anger that is affiliated with my depression, anxiety, and trauma. Therefore it's not a huge surprise as to why it's a constant emotion/feeling that I find myself having.
Next, I had then cut an eye into only one part of the mask. Later, I realized that I did this because inside, I practically have one eye. This version of me, is incapable of seeing love and happiness as she lives in constant fear, anxiety, and dismay...but not aiming to fall into despair...just looking out to find hope and happiness...even if the other eye is blind and covered from the love that is constantly being projected towards me.
Surrounding the opened eye though is a blue outline that follows the shape of the eye, accompanied with two tear drops. As I had mentioned previously, this shape, when in the dark, glows. In a way, representing how when left alone to my own devices, my overbearing feelings of pain from trauma creates incredibly large moments of sadness.... one of the most prominent emotion that I experience.
On top of some sections of anxiety, I had made the decision to attach butterflies. As the dictionary states, Butterflies represent a feeling of hollowness or queasiness caused especially by emotional or nervous tension or anxious anticipation when described medically.
The eye patch is made out of actual medical gauze with gradient pastel colored string tied around it. A heart made out of fuzzy fabric was then attached to the patch to depict my blindness to love and care while also maintaining the cuteness that I hold dear to my heart.
Falling from the eye patch are three teardrops. These teardrops are iridescent teardrop shaped jewelry beads. I was conflicted on whether or not I had wanted to use shrink plastic to create a cartoon-like effect for the teardrops...and I only decided on the beads as they represented the typical romanticism of depression, mental illnesses, and tears that can be found nowadays.
At the last minute, I had decided to take the labels off of my prescription bottles. I had one for prednisone as I have a tendency to get very physically sick, while the other is for citalopram. Citalopram is often used for treating clinical depression and anxiety disorders, but in my case is also used for helping my eating disorder associated with my major depression, agoraphobia, and obsessive compulsive disorder...and honestly it really helps me which I truly love. And surprisingly.. it ended up working very well with my theme.
Finally, I had taken some shrink plastic images that I had drawn and attached them around parts of my face...along with attaching a holographic piece of fabric to both sides of the mask. These were moreso for decorative purposes and my editing eye stated that I needed a change, but it was very, very nice to see in the end nonetheless.
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I know this has been a rather long, troublesome to read post.. and I'm sorry for this. I'm incredibly sorry that I could have possibly wasted your time or if I'm phrasing things oddly and incorrectly...but I'm happy with what I have. I'm happy with what I'm seeing. When presenting this to my classmates, I started crying because of how heavily this had hit home for me. After all these years, I was finally able to visualize me and all of my troubles...it's like a blessing.
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Thanks for reading this honestly. If possible, let me know what you think below in the comments of this post, or on any of the social media that I'll be mentioning this on. I'm honestly afraid to post about this, but it's time that I finally confront myself. I'm tired of hiding who I am and how I feel out of fear that I'll lose what I have...and because I'm afraid to ruin my pride.
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...Honestly, there's no shame in trying to achieve self-acceptance and a stronger, healthier me by confronting my problems in every way that I can...and I need to embrace and understand that.
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